I’m currently publishing a gossip and news magazine set in an alternate universe. I don’t currently have a full time, regular job so I’m advertising for new patrons.
If you join up, you can choose how much to pay each month and the different tiers get you different rewards. If you sign up for $5 a month you get two stories or articles a month, background information and photos of my cat.
Before you sign up, here’s my free sample article so you can get an idea of what to expect.
Near Death Experience Thwarted by Family Vampire
A young local woman diced with death recently when a home invader surprised her one night. Alice, 23, was alone in her West Goldmarsh house, enjoying a cosy night of Netflix and bread rolls shaped like hedgehogs when the invasion happened.
Alice had planned a peaceful night in. The young school teacher, known to her community as a warm, happy woman, is often to be found at home on weeknights. Police speculate this knowledge was useful to the intruder.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Alice said. “One moment I was chilling with my breadhogs and then next there was this woman there with a knife to my throat. I froze up, this was just like the case my true crime podcast covered the other week, but in that one, the invader had killed the victim. I didn’t want to be a victim!”
For a tense moment it did look like she’d be the victim. “The intruder was behind me, so it was hard to see who or what it was, but I definitely got the feeling it was an older, white woman,” she said. “You know, the kind of person who would ask for the manager over something like a missing packet of free ketchup.”
It was then that her terrifying ordeal became something out of a movie. “There was a noise upstairs, and I thought that was strange because I typically live alone, but then Count Vanya came down the stairs and I thought, I’ve never been happier to see my uncle, never been happier that he’s staying with me. He swooped right across the room and bit the intruder in the neck. He also took her outside and I don’t know what he did then, but there was no body,” Alice said.
Count Vanya, Alice’s Uncle, lives with the frightening but ultimately misunderstood condition of vampirism. Vampirism affects roughly one in twenty and manifests as a horrifying transfiguration of the body into one of the undead. It’s also accompanied by a curse which makes the diseased individual crave the living blood and flesh of unaffected people. Some say one of the symptoms of the disease is to make the infected stronger and more resilient, but these claims are not proven by scientific research. Vampirism infected individuals tend to avoid densely populated areas, since the “Vampire hunts” of the late sixties and the following “Undead rights movement” failed to gain much traction.
Alice’s Uncle Vanya, she reports, lives abroad much of the year, and only attends family gatherings such as births, deaths and marriages. “It was just dumb luck he was there,” Alice said. “He must’ve known my sister was about to give birth. After the incident, we had a really nice baby shower and he gave the new baby a teddy bear. It’s a really high quality one as well, not one of those cheap Kmart stuffed toys.”
Alice’s sister, Annabeth, was quick to shut down any speculation that it was unsafe to have a vampire near her newborn child. “You should have seen him with the baby, it was very sweet. He was so gentle. He was doing this thing where he waved the teddy bear at the baby and made a little growly noise. The baby loved it, just giggled and gurgled the whole time. Couldn’t take their eyes off him.”
Although little is known about who the intruder was, or the purpose for the invasion, Alice doesn’t feel afraid in her neighbourhood. “Uncle Vanya has agreed to stay with me for a while,” she says. Smiling, she continues. “It was a terrifying ordeal, but ultimately, it brought my family closer together.”
Alice is bravely returning to watching Netflix tonight, after taking what she calls “a couple of days off”.
Uncle Vanya was unavailable for comment.
Check page 43 for Alice’s hedgehog shaped bread roll recipe! You’ll literally die from cuteness.
- Peachy Buncheeks reporting
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